can u believe 1/4 of 2026 is over already... never felt so lost and unaccomplished than ever.. the weights on my shoulder is weighing me down and i dont think i can ever get it off me..

 #nowplaying : Eldest Daughter

    been almost 5 mths since kim's diagnosis... since i became the sole breadwinner again .. since i became the one everyone has to legally and physically and maybe emotionally depend on.. i just feel like im losing my spark as each day passed. not knowing why i exist, or why do i wan to exist.  

    i keep hearing all these but i dont feel excited to fly anymore, i never felt so tired.. everytime i reach a new country, and check in to my room.. all curtains closed, as i wind down and stay in and never leave my room unless for gym or supermarket runs.. i dont explore anymore, i dont even do anything anymore...

    everytime im alone in my room i think abt you, i thought maybe if i could do it over again, i would walk away instead.. or maybe i would do the same but not express myself instead.. idk why i let this person became someone i long but cant be w .. into my life .. but honestly i dont think i wan you out of it.. 至少我能说我们认识过...

   i stopped posting, i stopped asking for meetups, i stopped initiating, and no one seems to notice .. oh care enuff to say smthing.. the silence is so loud i can hear myself thinking abt him... 

   why must i always make the effort for this friendship, why isnt it made by both of us, why do i keep defending ppl, we dont need fancy meetups, we dont need new places to go .. all i ever wanted was just a simple meal and girls talk..  but why isit so hard ? why ?

   i ran my first 10km too, never felt better, a pb 5km of 27.38min , i hope ill be able to run a 25min 5km this year.. i hope i can play more sports again.. i hope i can find peace in the things i once love again.

   will i ever find my spark again? will i ever become who im suppose to be ? will i become better? please...   be happy...

till the next one,

xoxo

♥ Embrace the magic
05:30

 #nowplaying : peter pan was right

 life has been a wreck lately.. and trauma is coming back to haunt me.

aug 2025 , cant believe i scalded my hand in jnb and it was plain stupid because i thought it wasnt serious but guess the blister wasnt kidding and that was whad gods had in plans for me? because wdym i had 2.5weeks of mc and it was the craziest time of my life .. so many things happening and i wanna say i really enjoyed the days off in sg.. 

sept 2025, back to flying as per norm.. life was crazy , heart was aching, felt like i didnt want to do anything again but i had to be as normal as i can? exhausted.. lost myself a lil but gained some clarity . but really was that what i wanted ? or did i just wanted to hear the truth to hurt myself again? 

...... fast forward and now we are in 2026. feb ....

life has been crazy couldnt even find the time to come back and write. bottled up feelings and thoughts from 2025 was killing me,

just gonna summarise 2025 here quickly .

 thank you for showing me how to love again and for showing me that i am actually stronger than i alr am. .. i picked up running again and i love it so much. i am happy w life as it is, and for allowing myself to find comfort in knowing you and walking away from what i thought could meant something in my life.

you healed and broke me in a way that ill always remember in my heart, forgetting you wont be easy but ill always and probably be looking out for u still for awhile but its ok. it doesnt hurt that much anymore

realised that im always the voice and person connecting everyone and im so tired. whad if i disappear will ppl notice? will they care to look for me ? i dk . feels like they only come to me when they need me which sucks. cause im feeling all these in feb, and i always want to love feb. i said i love feb cause its the mth that i was born in, and cny mostly coincide in feb and families can be tgt during this period but nowadays.. it just seems to be just me myself and i.. 

but i shall keep feb 2026 for another post, because this backlog is too far behind.. 

gonna end this w some photos from the last few mths of 2025. <3

till the next time . 

xoxo

♥ Embrace the magic
06:01