Friday, 4 September 2026

 cant believe its almost the end of 2026... time really flies and so many things has happened..

i lost my fave ahma in june. 

i got food poisoning 2x in july

i got to watch NDP live in aug. 

BUT 

i also managed to spend time w my family because we lost ahma.

i also learned how to scuba dive, finally.

i also travelled w my sec sch clique ( if ppl still uses this term lol) for one final holiday before we expand our grp.

getting the msg from kim that u wont be making it was heartbreaking. getting the msg and knowing i cant just leave and drop everything was worst. im sorry i missed your last breath.

losing ahma made me realise that i am lucky to grow up w her. watching her grow older and weaker makes me realise that one day my mum will be weaker and needs support too. although i dont express myself well in public, and i really tried to stay strong and not shed any tears but i failed. i cried. i bawled. we all did. life will never be the same without ahma around, no more yigu to call for.... i miss ahma, but i know she finally can rest well and be w her friends and husband n family again. 下辈子， 我还要当你的孙女... 谢谢你，在这个人生做了我的阿嬷。<3

finally went to get my OW license with cleo. was unexpected that we can go on another trip tgt. but thank u for always being around since we are 15. many things have changed, but im glad we still can count on one another no matter whad.. 

but july was a crazy mth,. came back from tioman w a open wound and kinda resulted in me getting an infection.. 

meeting up w my avt chinggus and finally getting the impt dates from ali . im eggcited for 2027! we had oysters and champ and probably whad caused my 1st food poisoning..

falling sick again on flt, throwing up on flt was a horrible experience once again... seeing the dr in tokyo was hella crazy not being able to speak japanese but thank god for bella. <3 

being a bridesmaid/ wedding assistant/ planner for juju's wedding was hella tiring and fun. but falling sick immediately after was horrible, my body was just WEAK in july...

met syaffi for lunch, and thats probably where i got my 2nd food poisoning  from... went for a run w joejoebings and thats when i know my stomach is messed up AGAIN. 

ended up taking mc again but ended july w a franyc w a bunch of crew i m thankful to cross path w  <3

went to phu quoc w aud and lqp. one last trip as a trio before they both move onto their next chapter in life. cant believe our grp is expanding officially! funny how 15 yrs ago, i probably thought i would settle down first, and how we will all be attending one anothers wedding and other celebratory events. 

cant wait for the official events happening in 2027, cant wait to see all my friends marry their partner. cant wait to see them get their own hse, and we moved outside gathering indoors..

fast forward to today, and i realise i might never settle down... which is sad because i always thought ill get married by 27-28.. enjoy marriage for 1-2 yr.. start havings kids... but i lost my bentan instead. he wont ever get to see me or kim get married.. im way past the age of meeting someone ... consider a bto... or even having a kid now seems so unachievable anymore... i love childrens, and it haunts me to know that i may never get to hold my own ... they say i need to get back out there, but i did , i tried , i met him but he just wasnt the one for me.... and now im back into my shell again, and i wont be able to reach out again anymore.. 

well, i guess thats all for now. thanks for reading again.

till the next time,

xoxo

 

Saturday, 2 May 2026

  can u believe 1/4 of 2026 is over already... never felt so lost and unaccomplished than ever.. the weights on my shoulder is weighing me down and i dont think i can ever get it off me..

 #nowplaying : Eldest Daughter

    been almost 5 mths since kim's diagnosis... since i became the sole breadwinner again .. since i became the one everyone has to legally and physically and maybe emotionally depend on.. i just feel like im losing my spark as each day passed. not knowing why i exist, or why do i wan to exist.  

    i keep hearing all these but i dont feel excited to fly anymore, i never felt so tired.. everytime i reach a new country, and check in to my room.. all curtains closed, as i wind down and stay in and never leave my room unless for gym or supermarket runs.. i dont explore anymore, i dont even do anything anymore...

    everytime im alone in my room i think abt you, i thought maybe if i could do it over again, i would walk away instead.. or maybe i would do the same but not express myself instead.. idk why i let this person became someone i long but cant be w .. into my life .. but honestly i dont think i wan you out of it.. 至少我能说我们认识过...

   i stopped posting, i stopped asking for meetups, i stopped initiating, and no one seems to notice .. oh care enuff to say smthing.. the silence is so loud i can hear myself thinking abt him... 

   why must i always make the effort for this friendship, why isnt it made by both of us, why do i keep defending ppl, we dont need fancy meetups, we dont need new places to go .. all i ever wanted was just a simple meal and girls talk..  but why isit so hard ? why ?

   i ran my first 10km too, never felt better, a pb 5km of 27.38min , i hope ill be able to run a 25min 5km this year.. i hope i can play more sports again.. i hope i can find peace in the things i once love again.

   will i ever find my spark again? will i ever become who im suppose to be ? will i become better? please...   be happy...

till the next one,

xoxo