can u believe 1/4 of 2026 is over already... never felt so lost and unaccomplished than ever.. the weights on my shoulder is weighing me down and i dont think i can ever get it off me..

 #nowplaying : Eldest Daughter

    been almost 5 mths since kim's diagnosis... since i became the sole breadwinner again .. since i became the one everyone has to legally and physically and maybe emotionally depend on.. i just feel like im losing my spark as each day passed. not knowing why i exist, or why do i wan to exist.  

    i keep hearing all these but i dont feel excited to fly anymore, i never felt so tired.. everytime i reach a new country, and check in to my room.. all curtains closed, as i wind down and stay in and never leave my room unless for gym or supermarket runs.. i dont explore anymore, i dont even do anything anymore...

    everytime im alone in my room i think abt you, i thought maybe if i could do it over again, i would walk away instead.. or maybe i would do the same but not express myself instead.. idk why i let this person became someone i long but cant be w .. into my life .. but honestly i dont think i wan you out of it.. 至少我能说我们认识过...

   i stopped posting, i stopped asking for meetups, i stopped initiating, and no one seems to notice .. oh care enuff to say smthing.. the silence is so loud i can hear myself thinking abt him... 

   why must i always make the effort for this friendship, why isnt it made by both of us, why do i keep defending ppl, we dont need fancy meetups, we dont need new places to go .. all i ever wanted was just a simple meal and girls talk..  but why isit so hard ? why ?

   i ran my first 10km too, never felt better, a pb 5km of 27.38min , i hope ill be able to run a 25min 5km this year.. i hope i can play more sports again.. i hope i can find peace in the things i once love again.

   will i ever find my spark again? will i ever become who im suppose to be ? will i become better? please...   be happy...

till the next one,

xoxo

♥ Embrace the magic
05:30