but today has been a tiring day and i needed to speak my mind but idk who i could actually speak to anymore over the years, i grew stronger since the time i broke down completely... i climbed up again and i came back stronger than before, but i was no longer the same old me. i guess some parts of me were never coming back and thats fine... but the current me now still lacks of many thing and im still tryna find out who exactly am i.. 

 so today, i went for my online interview with SIA! yes i finally decided to try for it and i really hope i can get though it because i was so nervous and excited for the job that i think i panicked damn bad and screw up my intereview... // im justlow key hoping that they will see how cute and cheerful iam. 

 ever since i graduated from poly, i have been trying to put my family before me, and honestly it really wrecked me .. i lost myself again and i didnt know where i wanna go and who i wanted to be, i had to give up my dreams because i worry that i wont be able to be there for my family when they need me.. but hey guess whad, i was never appreciated by the one person i always hope that will appreciate me. i guessed thats whad caused me to feel even more useless than before. it was tough, to give up on my dream job and my education because i was trying to make ends make. but gueed whad???? life is shittier cause i became the uneducated one and the one working a job that wasnt my dream. LOL. endless of sacrifices and endless of low motivation killed me so many times that i guess i became immune to life??? like i just wanna finish this chapter, and move on?? or maybe when they finish their chapter so that i can begin mine??? but nothing seems to be moving forward and then im stuck at a point again where i am lost and confused. 

 im jealous of my friends who have goals and know where they wanna be in their life . i wasnt sure who i want to become, i wasnt sure where to go now because my heart and mind are in a mess. life is too tough and i was always alone , i didnt know who i could confide in and i guess everyone is just busy with their own life now too. being so mentally and physically exhausted, i didnt have much social life anymore, i spent time with my family being the funny one so that they wont know what was going through my mind. but everytime i see someone who knows what they wan in life, i feel so depressed about mine .. like who do i wanna become? whad do i really want to do?? 

 then corona hit us all, LOL and we are basically stuck in this tiny island of not being able to venture and see the world, and i had to just get a job to have a stable income because i cant travel and i cant unwind and im really going crazy each day.. i applied for uni 2 years after i graduated from poly, i chose a course ppl recommended me but it wasnt what i really wanted. and now im suffering in class because i do not understand a single word my lecturer is speaking,... im literally dying and is at the verge of dropping out... and also i started to exercise again and try to maintain a clean diet but its not easy... i used to be sporty and strong but now im too introverted to go to the gym and i got self esteem issue w myself whenever i am alone... i miss the old and confident me... i honestly hope that 2022 will be a better year... i pray for a better future and i pray that i will be able to achieve my dream, i always wanted to be a Singapore girl , donning the kebaya and working on a plane.. it was my only dream that i remember and wanted to achieve. 

taking care of the family has placed a stop in me achieving my dream , but now i finally found some courage to try again,, i really hope i get a chance to achieve it. anyways every para is just a summary because there is just too much to type and honestly. who cares right??? so many things has happened and just when i thought this year was gonna be better and when i finally thought i will try and make an effort in making more friends, you brought me down again and made me become wary of everything all over again. 

i am not going to lose myself this time and i really really dw to go down the dark hole again ,.. so please please please do not give me hope if you are not going to be part of it,,, 

// thank you all for reading and hopefully one day i will know who i want to be and who i really am ; lovex, 

 kit. <3