the last journal for 2024...

not gonna lie, 2024, u made me realise who i should really care more for and i realise that person is me... its been a year of being the extroverted me i always am but i think im getting more tired of being the only hype one around. i cant keep up.. i cant breath.. i dw to be the only one putting efforts anymore.

i tried to grow up , i tried to being a stronger pillar but honestly.. i m so tired of making all the adult decisions. realising im just a duplicate of my parents when i know clearly idw to become like them is really scary and its worst knowing that i know and need to change but i am not changin

father was really the money worrier, and refuses to spend on unnecessary money . and i became like him worrying abt every mth electricity bills, phone bills and all. 

mother is the even in sickness and dying but can still refuses to see a dr and get help. and i became like her, telling myself i can self cure everything by just sleeping it off. 

they are both scared to make changes in their life and found comfort in stagnant things. and now i dk how to change for the better because i learnt that it is so comfortable being just like this... 

i know mum is hurting and i always say hurtful things hoping that will wake her up and get the help she needs, but nope we both still just refuses to get help. and it really sucks because i have to be the straightfwd person they shape me into... 

they keep saying go and n be brave but honestly idk how to whenever i tried to be brave. she becomes worried and i just pulled back too because idw her to worry.

clearly hoping and desperately wishing i can be braver in 2025..

cheers to a better year ahead, hopefully i can finally close a chapter behind and try being who i wanna be instead or who i was meant to be...

xoxo

♥ Embrace the magic
00:44

 its been a chinese yr since u passed.. been one yr since u became free... i wonder how alot, i wonder if u are watching over us from above. i know u are because im still strong, im still standing... i know u are taking care of us silently and keeping us safe from everything. 

 things are so different this year, so many adult shits i been tryna half handle cause i m still overwhelmed by it all. learning how to be ok and not ok at the same time. 

 the other day i guess someone finally took over your number, it felt so weird and sad and empty to see your name leaving the grp chat, as tho u really are leaving for real now. of course me and kim made jokes abt it because that somehow is our coping mechanism to show everyone that we are alright. but it feels kinda weird and sad to see that.

i went to bali and came back w a new tattoo, without tellling mama this time. cause i wanted to be able to make decisions without considering whad they will feel and think and guilt trip me abt.. will show a pix next time of catch it if u can but yeah...this tattoo is a faceless person because she dk who she really is yet, so she covered her face w flowers designed w her initials. no idea how mama is gonna react but im still hiding it for now,.,

also realised im always putting out ppl fire in life and kinda exhausted because nobody seems to know whad i am going thru because im a tough kid to crack. never gonna be able to learn how to let anyone in ever again, and whad am i gonnan do abt that cause i know im wearing myself out thin... but i just dk how to let ppl in anymore..

also been feeling kinda used and disappointed in alot of things and ppl because they eventually turned into smthing or someone that they said they never will.. 

lots of things ongoing but i just cant seem to pen it all down. 

till next time ;

    xoxo

♥ Embrace the magic
04:57