Friday, 21 March 2025

 cant believe march 2025 is ending soon.. so much happened in the last 3 mths and honestly , delulu kitty is back to stay...  to the ppl who knows, thank you for being my safe space still...

gonna be doing a summary of every mth below just for memory sakes.

January 2025

I did my first SQ12 w syaffi! honestly only changed for it because of the max off before CNY, and also really happy that i was able to join chu san dinner this time. but it will never be the same because ben tan isnt there anymore. n hi ben tan, if u can read these from somewhere hahaha, pls watch over this family and forever give me the strength and patience for everything. and kim has a bf now so pls take care of her too and our new member.

i wish things can be still the same as before but i guess it is really hard and different now. so many unspoken feelings that will be forever buried away. truth to be told, i wish i can go back to being young and carefree. where i wont think 1000x before taking my actions..  but oh wells. i hope that i can be around for 2026 cny again <3

Febuary 2025

its my bday mth !! and im always eggcited to spend bday w my friends n family. thanks to bella and syaffi for spending my bday in hanoi tgt.. not forgetting this year bella actually surprised me w a cake and tricking me into it , knowing her for so long. i know she doesnt do these small things but i m really touched by her cute lil efforts. also ngl i was moody towards the end of the trip because i was tired of the non stop eating and i cant keep up lol.. but thanks guys <3

also did another fra nyc after vietnam , and then korea again . so i was basically away the entire month, and it was really tiring. being away from home for so long. not being able to lie on my bed for good 10 hr was so depressing. but thankful for the memories made in feb . <3

March 2025

met the best set of non ranking for lhr and gosh it was really good to be united like these. goes to show that we can always stand thru tgt against all the nasty ranking toxic mfking dinosaurs!!!  also im an aussie pr in march because i have syd, mel and bne. its alot but pays decent and i get to go lulu to get new gym wears hehe.

idk abt u , idk if u believe in fate or coincidence . but i do and it brings me back to why im in a delulu phase... neverr ever thought ill see u again cause xxxx but i cant believe i actually smiled so brightly just by seeing you briefly. but i gotta stop obsessing over u like this because i know u are not looking for anything now and i cant afford to be heart broken again. i know i should stop all these feelings but deep down i know i cant. im just down bad for you and honestly ,, why u gotta be so perfect ( IN MY EYES N MIND ONLY LOL ) ... i cant stop thinking i cant stop being a sucker for these delulu thoughts, but i know i need to either start it and end it properly or it will just keep lingering until im dedass hurt and tired..

i know i should make an effort but why am i so afraid this time. why isit that i feel like u r too good to be true,,, i wish we can meet again but idk honestly....

i guess thats all for now,  thanks for being my safe space thaat is opened to the public :)

xoxo

Wednesday, 1 January 2025

the last journal for 2024...

not gonna lie, 2024, u made me realise who i should really care more for and i realise that person is me... its been a year of being the extroverted me i always am but i think im getting more tired of being the only hype one around. i cant keep up.. i cant breath.. i dw to be the only one putting efforts anymore.

i tried to grow up , i tried to being a stronger pillar but honestly.. i m so tired of making all the adult decisions. realising im just a duplicate of my parents when i know clearly idw to become like them is really scary and its worst knowing that i know and need to change but i am not changin

father was really the money worrier, and refuses to spend on unnecessary money . and i became like him worrying abt every mth electricity bills, phone bills and all. 

mother is the even in sickness and dying but can still refuses to see a dr and get help. and i became like her, telling myself i can self cure everything by just sleeping it off. 

they are both scared to make changes in their life and found comfort in stagnant things. and now i dk how to change for the better because i learnt that it is so comfortable being just like this... 

i know mum is hurting and i always say hurtful things hoping that will wake her up and get the help she needs, but nope we both still just refuses to get help. and it really sucks because i have to be the straightfwd person they shape me into... 

they keep saying go and n be brave but honestly idk how to whenever i tried to be brave. she becomes worried and i just pulled back too because idw her to worry.

clearly hoping and desperately wishing i can be braver in 2025..

cheers to a better year ahead, hopefully i can finally close a chapter behind and try being who i wanna be instead or who i was meant to be...

xoxo